I realized this quest wasn't about finding the thing that would allow me to express myself, it was about finding — remembering — the self I wanted to express.
“How do I express myself?” Seems like a straightforward question but I have come up with several answers that haven’t really answered it fully. First was I don’t, but I’m Finnish so that’s normal and okay. Second is I try to be the funny guy to make people laugh or lighten the mood like my father did to show my sense of humor. Or by always doing things for other people to show what a kind nice guy I am like my grandfather. I’ve learned recently that those were people pleasing and approval seeking behaviors, for me not my grandfather, that I’m working on by asking myself my motivation and intentions. A long time ago I also expressed myself through dance, mostly reggae, every Sunday night at Club Soda in Kalamazoo, MI. However I’m generally quite shy, self conscious, and introverted so reggae night always required liquid courage, at least 3 beers, to get out there. I haven’t used any artificial courage for quite some time now and also haven’t danced much since. Music has always been very prominent in my life and can definitely spontaneously unlock/unblock emotions in me, but those aren’t outwardly expressed except to myself driving down the road or standing in the shower and a certain lyric or melody plucks a heart string and all the sudden I’m tearing up or outright bawling. Which brings me to the guitar, sorry for the stray but this is Healing Aloud so… thank you for creating the space Katherine. I’ve always wanted to learn to play guitar, proficiently, and write some songs. Never to be shared with anyone mind you. I’ve allowed things to hold me back from this, a music teacher that said “you can’t play guitar left handed”, short fingers making it difficult to get the chord shapes, not willing to practice enough, and the biggest one most likely, Fear and a bit of perfectionist tendencies. So because of this post I have renewed inspiration to pursue this dream again and to summon the courage and vulnerability to just do it and see where it takes me. And not just with the guitar but more importantly with people and relationships, being more “me” and open and true. It’s a very uncomfortable place for me for all kinds of reasons but I think that is where the most growth happens, in the uncomfortableness. Ps: I remember when Katherine first started using the upstairs of our barn to dance, which was no longer just a square dancing & waltzing dance floor after this. I was working in the garden at our farm and all of a sudden heard very lively, and loud, Latin music blasting. I followed my ears to the where it was coming from which led me to the 2nd floor of our barn and Katherine “getting after it” in her bare feet really expressing herself. It was awesome to see. Craig R (Katherine’s dad)
Dad!! I so appreciate you sharing your reflections — and expressing yourself vulnerably — here in the comments. It's awesome to hear that this post renewed inspiration to return to your desire to play and write music, and to be more open and true to yourself. You nailed it: so much growth happens in discomfort.
This reflection on the retreat and how it played a part on your path of self expression was such a gift to receive 💘. Thank you for gifting us the experience of your expression embodied and now the insight into your journey. A layer cake of liberation and reclamation that’s so inspiring to witness! 💞💞💞 can’t wait to dance together again ✨✨✨
Awww, thank YOU, Alyssa, for creating these beautiful, healing spaces & bringing together incredible people to make powerful magic. You'll never even know how wide your ripples of impact spread.
Yesssss we'll be moving on the beach again together so soon!! xoxox
Wow your tour de force of lafies expressing themselves makes me wish i could dance
But staying upright on a bicycle s all i can manage
So how do i express myself? Writing sure but after 50 yrs of it still pleasure but lotta been there done that
My yard is how i express myself nowadays
Only 1/8 acre in middle of town but in 15 yrs i ve replaces crabgrass with more than 150 varieties of plants mostly native chosen for birds habitat and winter interest and spring flower for 12 species of oaks that may long outlive me and so much more
It hss inculcated a botanical sensability that lets me savor other yards like wines Become an instant classroom for my students
I love this, Tom! And I remember getting to visit with some of those very special plants as we toured through. (Do I remember right that there were native persimmon and paw paw trees?) By the way, your shed-turned-office has also been incorporated into my vision for my next home.
Also love imagining you eyeing up the yards as you cycle by
“How do I express myself?” Seems like a straightforward question but I have come up with several answers that haven’t really answered it fully. First was I don’t, but I’m Finnish so that’s normal and okay. Second is I try to be the funny guy to make people laugh or lighten the mood like my father did to show my sense of humor. Or by always doing things for other people to show what a kind nice guy I am like my grandfather. I’ve learned recently that those were people pleasing and approval seeking behaviors, for me not my grandfather, that I’m working on by asking myself my motivation and intentions. A long time ago I also expressed myself through dance, mostly reggae, every Sunday night at Club Soda in Kalamazoo, MI. However I’m generally quite shy, self conscious, and introverted so reggae night always required liquid courage, at least 3 beers, to get out there. I haven’t used any artificial courage for quite some time now and also haven’t danced much since. Music has always been very prominent in my life and can definitely spontaneously unlock/unblock emotions in me, but those aren’t outwardly expressed except to myself driving down the road or standing in the shower and a certain lyric or melody plucks a heart string and all the sudden I’m tearing up or outright bawling. Which brings me to the guitar, sorry for the stray but this is Healing Aloud so… thank you for creating the space Katherine. I’ve always wanted to learn to play guitar, proficiently, and write some songs. Never to be shared with anyone mind you. I’ve allowed things to hold me back from this, a music teacher that said “you can’t play guitar left handed”, short fingers making it difficult to get the chord shapes, not willing to practice enough, and the biggest one most likely, Fear and a bit of perfectionist tendencies. So because of this post I have renewed inspiration to pursue this dream again and to summon the courage and vulnerability to just do it and see where it takes me. And not just with the guitar but more importantly with people and relationships, being more “me” and open and true. It’s a very uncomfortable place for me for all kinds of reasons but I think that is where the most growth happens, in the uncomfortableness. Ps: I remember when Katherine first started using the upstairs of our barn to dance, which was no longer just a square dancing & waltzing dance floor after this. I was working in the garden at our farm and all of a sudden heard very lively, and loud, Latin music blasting. I followed my ears to the where it was coming from which led me to the 2nd floor of our barn and Katherine “getting after it” in her bare feet really expressing herself. It was awesome to see. Craig R (Katherine’s dad)
Dad!! I so appreciate you sharing your reflections — and expressing yourself vulnerably — here in the comments. It's awesome to hear that this post renewed inspiration to return to your desire to play and write music, and to be more open and true to yourself. You nailed it: so much growth happens in discomfort.
This reflection on the retreat and how it played a part on your path of self expression was such a gift to receive 💘. Thank you for gifting us the experience of your expression embodied and now the insight into your journey. A layer cake of liberation and reclamation that’s so inspiring to witness! 💞💞💞 can’t wait to dance together again ✨✨✨
Awww, thank YOU, Alyssa, for creating these beautiful, healing spaces & bringing together incredible people to make powerful magic. You'll never even know how wide your ripples of impact spread.
Yesssss we'll be moving on the beach again together so soon!! xoxox
Wow your tour de force of lafies expressing themselves makes me wish i could dance
But staying upright on a bicycle s all i can manage
So how do i express myself? Writing sure but after 50 yrs of it still pleasure but lotta been there done that
My yard is how i express myself nowadays
Only 1/8 acre in middle of town but in 15 yrs i ve replaces crabgrass with more than 150 varieties of plants mostly native chosen for birds habitat and winter interest and spring flower for 12 species of oaks that may long outlive me and so much more
It hss inculcated a botanical sensability that lets me savor other yards like wines Become an instant classroom for my students
A bloomin miracle one shovel at a time
I love this, Tom! And I remember getting to visit with some of those very special plants as we toured through. (Do I remember right that there were native persimmon and paw paw trees?) By the way, your shed-turned-office has also been incorporated into my vision for my next home.
Also love imagining you eyeing up the yards as you cycle by