A few months ago, my former housemate and I switched bedrooms. I wanted the more private room at the back of the house with the garden view; she was happy to have more space and her own bathroom. Win-win.
This new bedroom is pretty small, though, and I had to make a choice: twin bed with room for a desk, or a full bed that would take up almost the entire room?
I haven’t had a twin bed since I shared a house with six women and one guy my senior year of college. I’m roughly the same size I was then, so I knew I could get used to it…
but what if I meet someone?
As soon as I heard myself ask this question, I realized the significance of the decision I was about to make: Was I going to make room for my writing work and ensure my inner artist had a place in my sanctuary, or save space for a potential lover on the other side of my bed?
What a perfect predicament.
I have long dedicated myself to relationships — and not just romantic ones — at the expense of my own art. Tending to others has provided a purpose, an anchor, and a distraction from the harder work of turning inward and facing the blocks that have kept me from being able to freely create.
Already walking the turning inward path, I saw this crossroads in the bedroom as a little test, an opportunity, rather: by choosing to dedicate space for my inner artist, I could make a deeper commitment to myself.
And so I did.
Because — I knew then as I know now — our relationship is still delicate. It needs a lot of my attention.
My artist self has endured years of abandonment. She is only beginning to trust me. I’m learning to embrace her wildness and the truths she wants to speak rather than tame her because I’m scared she’s “too much.” We’re really just getting to know each other again.
Lately, I’ve been sensing extra freedom in the air, that feeling that somehow still kicks in when school lets out, even after all these years of not being a student. I noticed that my inner artist is loving these summer break vibes. They remind her of those childhood years when she had all my attention, when we used to spend almost everyday together.
Feeling her perking up, I decided the time was ripe to take another big step in rekindling our relationship. We’ve been hanging out for several hours every morning and I aim to give her my undivided attention. Which means, as often as possible, I leave my phone on airplane mode from bedtime until our date is over the next day.
She’s helping me let go of the compulsion to respond to everyone else before her.
We pretend endless hours stretch out in front of us, that nothing else exists. She’s helping me forget about checking the boxes that make me feel like I’m keeping my life together, reminding me that a life spent trying to “keep it together” isn’t very interesting.
It’s like I’m having a summer fling with my creative self — a fling that’s leading to a lifelong relationship of burning devotion.
For now, we’re stoking the fire, fanning the flames…
Instead of a Hot Girl Summer, I’m having my Hot Creative Summer.
To get to know my inner artist better, I’m paying extra close attention to what she likes. Inspired by an assignment in The Artist’s Way, I’ve been making a list:
hot chocolate after breakfast
nice fonts (no Times New Roman or Arial, please)
encouragement
play dates with other artists
lots of time alone
airplane mode
tidiness
making messes
showing off
wandering
not following recipes
celebrating
plenty of time
plenty of space
self-acceptance
You know how falling in love with someone inspires you to be a better version of yourself? I realized that falling in love with part of myself can have the same effect. It makes me want to really show up for her, which means being well rested, nourished, clear-headed and warm-hearted. It means Always Choosing self-love and acceptance.
“It is we who nourish the Soul of the World, and the world we live in will be either better or worse, depending on whether we become better or worse. And that’s where the power of love comes in. Because when we love, we always strive to become better than we are.”
- Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist
I think my inner artist is part child, part my soul, part Soul of the World. She is the source of energy I’ve been seeking in others. And as our relationship gets stronger, she is becoming my anchor, my purpose. I’m learning what devotion means by first being devoted to myself.
PS: Happy solstice, happy summer! Would love to hear what your inner artist likes in the comments.




😭❤️🩹🫂I love thisss!!!!
Love this concept. So nourishing to read!