Not too long ago, I was hiking up a river near my home. I was jumping from stone to stone, aiming to keep my balance and dry feet. All the sudden, I imagined someone downriver watching me. This made-up person was admiring how gracefully I navigated the path of stones. Wow, look at how quickly she moves — she’s SO GOOD at that.
This person was even a bit jealous. I want to be just like her!
In a moment of clarity (shout out to meditation!), the Me that is not my thoughts saw what was happening, registered the insanity of dreaming up flattering frenemies. At first, I was pretty embarrassed. But then I chose to lighten up and even laugh a bit at this crafty little game I’d invented. And I wondered what it could teach me.
What if, I thought, I could be the imaginary person? (In a way, I was.) I could invite them in, build a positive feedback loop within me and cut out the middleman — made up or otherwise. I could watch myself climbing up these rocks, feel confident and capable and soak up my own goodness.
That day at the river, it worked. I felt all the warmth that comes with appreciating myself just for me. But as I tried it again in different circumstances, I hit an obstacle: the outsider’s beliefs about me often conflicted with negative beliefs I had about myself. Which is, of course, why I had created them: to try to combat the bullshit I said about myself in my head (so resourceful!). I couldn’t fully integrate them without their beliefs becoming mine.
So I began the work of naming the often-unconscious beliefs that lead me to seek validation from external sources. It’s been an ongoing, non-linear, usually uncomfortable process that involves diving deep into the depths of what I don’t want to see about myself.
I’ve been feeling these parts of me more exposed lately and I think it has something to do with eclipse season. Eclipses compromise our light source. “They speak to the personal and collective shadow work we are in need of doing… They also give us a heads-up that our conscious, socially celebrated self is (most likely) about to be swallowed up by our own inner dragons,” writes one of my favorite astrologers, Chani Nicholas.
I’ve indeed been feeling swallowed up. I’ve tried writing, meditating, exercising the despair and anxiety away, but it’s been persistent.
I know the only answer is to accept, to lean in, let myself feel it, rest. And when I’m ready, and with lots of self-compassion, try to take a look at what’s going on. Really study the beliefs that hold me back — figure out where they came from, when they might have been true, and how I can try, over and over again, to replace them with a new truth.
Here’s a practice that’s helping me more deeply understand what’s hanging out in the shadows of my psyche, and how I can bring in the light.
1. Make a list of tasks you’ve been avoiding
I’m talking about those things I keep putting off because they feel overwhelming. When they pop into my head, I’m like, nooooooo, not that! I’m not ready! I’ll do it later! For now, let me just put it back in the corner and throw a blanket over it.
But big or small, they keep nagging at me.
First, I take a deep breath and write them down. I’ve found that facing them on a piece of paper keeps them from darting around in my head as much. Here are some examples from recent lists I’ve written:
Fix (or hire someone to fix) the bedroom door that won’t stay shut
Figure out how to reset car clock
Start a substack
Finish vision board
And on the current list:
Troubleshoot contact issue with optometrist
Prep for hurricane season
File taxes :/
I don’t love admitting — to you or myself — how many daily tasks are capable of scaring me, but here we are.
2. Identify the underlying beliefs
Examining why these tasks can feel overwhelming has helped me uncover the limiting beliefs I carry.
For each thing on the list, I ponder my resistance, ask myself why it’s hard to tackle. What do I believe about myself that’s getting in the way? I keep an open mind and see what I unearth.
Note: Though “I don’t have time,” is sometimes the truth, I’ve found it’s usually a cover. I dig a little deeper. Why haven’t I made time?
Fix (or hire someone the fix) the bedroom door that won’t stay shut
Belief: Things that are broken stay broken — I can’t fix them so I just need to figure out how to live with them
Figure out how to reset car clock
I’m not good with technology or cars
Start a substack
I don’t have smart ideas to share/no one will read it and I’ll feel like a failure
Finish vision board
It has to be perfect
Troubleshoot contact issue with optometrist
I become a burden if I ask for help
Prep for hurricane season
No matter what I do, I won’t be safe or protected
File taxes
I don’t want to know how much I owe because I can’t make enough money to support myself abundantly
Sometimes, the beliefs I uncover feel extreme. No matter what I do, I won’t be safe or protected. Do I really believe that? Probably not 100% and not all of the time.
Sometimes, it’s just a small part of me that holds this truth, but that part can grow or shrink depending on what’s going on in my life/how I’m feeling about myself. It can change day-to-day, even moment to moment. If I’ve identified what it is, though, I can better see how it affects my decisions (or indecision) and start the process of giving it less power.
3. Get to the root
When I feel ready to delve deeper on a particular belief, I hit the journal. When did the seed first get planted? What gave it nourishment? Was there a time when the belief really was true for me? I write about it.
Sometimes, something relevant comes to me right away; other times, I feel I’m searching around in the dark forever. I explore possibilities, stay open, see what resonates. I’ll know when I find a nugget of truth. I trust myself.
When I reflected on, Things that are broken stay broken — I can’t fix them so I just need to figure out how to live with them, for example, I remembered trying to get my dad to quit smoking as a kid. I was getting all the scary stats from D.A.R.E in school and I’m like, whoa my dad is destroying his lungs! He has to stop! He’s going to die! Elementary school me tried lectures and shaming him with disapproving looks when I caught him in his smoky hiding spots. Middle school me was like, hey, what about those nicotine patches or gum? My cousin and I plotted raids on our dads’ cig stashes. Nothing worked. By high school, I had pretty much given up.
Most of my answers are an in-progress tangle of childhood experiences, messages from parents, teachers, mainstream culture etc. I don’t expect total clarity and feel to move along to step 4; I revisit this practice as I have the time and energy (or sometimes urgency) to further reflect.
4. Prove yourself wrong
** If the underlying beliefs are super strong and deeply rooted, I spend more time on step 3 before attempting action.
I try doing the task on the list that gives me the least anxiety/overwhelm, or the one that has the nearest deadline (this will be the taxes).
Sometimes I set aside half a day to delve into the scary list. I find I can do one thing and carry momentum and motivation from one hard-won success to the next.
5. Practice feeling proud of yourself
I bask in the satisfaction of overcoming. I experiment with ways to communicate to myself that I’m proud. I give myself a hug. I pause, close my eyes and send some warmth to my heart, feel the glow.
6. Rewrite your beliefs
I did the thing! I overcame the belief — so what’s actually true? I write a statement to replace the bullshit.
Things that are broken stay broken — I can’t fix them so I just need to figure out how to live with them
I deserve to live in a space that’s functional; I have the resources to repair things that are broken or move to a home that better fits my needs.
I’m not good with technology or cars
Using my resources (holla youtube) and patience, I can work through challenges
I don’t have helpful things to say/no one will read it and I’ll feel like a failure
I believe in my voice, my words are powerful and resonate with readers
It must be perfect
Fuck perfect. My best is beautiful
I become a burden if I ask for help
I deserve to have my needs met and can advocate for them
No matter what I do, I won’t be safe or protected
I am capable of protecting myself
I can’t make enough money to support myself abundantly
My skills are valuable and I deserve to be well compensated for my work
If there are certain truths I have an especially hard time believing, I turn them into affirmations — I create art or simply write them on post-it notes and stick them on my fridge. I keep all of them handy, though, as I’ll often need to refer back; the rewiring process is long and complicated, with shocks, surges and total outages along the way.
I continue the process, going back through the steps and discovering more resistance fed by other limiting beliefs. I lean in and out of the difficult work of exploring these dark parts, keeping in mind the helpful words of Carl Jung: “To confront a person with his shadow is to show him his own light.”
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Thank you, Katherine! I'm soooo needing to hear your words at this point in my life. And thank you for sharing your process. It's helping me more than you can even imagine.
Beautiful breakdown! ...and rebuild! I'm excited to make that list now that I have a path to help lead me back into the light. xoxoxox