Let Yourself be a Work in Progress

Letting go of perfectionism and cultivating an inner kind coach

Someday, I hope to be able to pull out my laptop and tap in on a work date with a friend, in a busy coffee shop, or at my own kitchen table even when everyone decided to weed whack and my neighbor’s dog won’t stop barking.

But for now, my writing self is more of an orchid than a dandelion; she needs very particular conditions to thrive (or survive). I need to be alone. It must be morning, and quiet. There has to be a window through which I can stare. My body should be well rested, fed and exercised. My lips cannot be chapped.

On some days, I need to journal for 20 minutes and/or write a half a page of affirmations before I can get started.

I write without fear of failure, without anxiety.

I am calm, I keep my shoulders relaxed.

I remember that this is a draft — they’re all drafts. I do my very best.

Writing these out, even now, makes me feel self-conscious and cringy. The voice that wants to refute my affirmations is still loud, and boy does it know how to get me.

Wow, how weak you are for needing to give yourself this little pep-talk. Such a baby. So sensitive. If you didn’t get so caught up in your emotions and procrastinate, you would have already done this — and perfectly — last week.

: /

Isn’t it painful to see how mean we can be to ourselves?

Since I started to realize that voice was there, though — realize if I was listening to it, then it must not actually be me — I’m getting to know it better. I’m figuring out when it’s louder (when I’m tired, have been home alone for too long, or when something remarkably shitty has recently happened) and when the Me that’s on my side can quiet it right down (after I’ve gone for a hike, slept well, spent time with friends, when I’m feeling super loved).

Lately, I’ve been trying to transform the harshness into more of a gentle coach vibe.

You got this, just try your best. Yep, and keep trying.

Think of it as playing, experimenting — let it be fun. It’s okay to feel like a beginner. 

Remember how impactful just the simple act of practicing is.

Look at you, showing up. Damn, girl! 

Me and my kind coach try our best to let go of the need to do more/be better/have already done what we’re just setting out to do. We set small, very achievable goals, like the guy who wrote Atomic Habits, James Clear, recommends. In this interview I heard, he’s like, if your goal is to get fit and you want to work out four days a week, start by building the habit of just getting yourself to the gym, even if you only stay for five minutes.

It’s about making the mental barriers so low that the odds of follow-through become super high. And then you get yourself on the delicious path of positive feedback toot sweet.*

Right now, we’re committed to spending at least one hour on Healing Aloud each morning, whether that’s outlining a new idea, tweaking a draft, or pulling out quotes from inspiring books. We don’t worry about exactly what we’re going to do.

It’s kind of like how I work in the garden. I usually don’t have an organized list of tasks, but if I set aside the time to just go out there, I’m gonna find that the herb patch needs to be weeded and oh, I could transplant the squash and damn those beans are already getting so tall… maybe I could build a little trellis…

Mom’s pinto beans from the farm in northern Michigan floreciendo en Puerto Rico

Showing up is most of it.

“You’re not where you want to be now, but if you keep showing up… that pattern of what starts out small and seems relatively insignificant grows into something bigger. Just try to have a good day today.” — James Clear, in this Unlocking Us episode

Me and my kind coach also celebrate the wins, letting any and all big and small accomplishments — even just writing one paragraph — sink in. After every morning session of working on this project, for example, I walk out my side door, stand in the sunshine and wrap my arms around myself. I legit make myself give myself a hug. I close my eyes for a moment and let myself — encourage myself — to feel proud.

And I get this little burst of warmth that fuels me, makes me feel lighter and more capable. Rather than harshly poisoning, I’m learning to nourish myself. 

Sancocho rico de mi vecina, Maura (learn Spanish!)

Of course, part of me wants to judge this whole ritual and tells me it’s self-indulgent and silly and weak. Even right now, the harsh voice is here, saying,

Nothing that you’re writing is original or useful — everybody already knows this because it’s obvious. Too bad you don’t have something wise to say!

And the gentle coach is like, Jesuuus, we were just feeling okay about things a minute ago! She tells me that my ideas are valuable. She tells me to let myself be seen where I’m at. I don’t have to be “better” to have something to contribute.

I can let myself be a work in progress, as I will always be.

*Did you know “toot sweet” is the anglicized way of saying tout de suite, French for ‘right away’? I didn’t.