Feelin' Myself (part four)
The relief of being in our power
This is part four of a series on erotic power; here’s part 1, 2 & 3 in case you missed them.
On the first morning of the Pussy Empowered Dance retreat in Puerto Rico, pelting rain pushed us under a cabana by the pool. We circled close and tried to keep our backs from getting spattered. I looked around at the faces of these nine women I’d just met in person the day before, wondering what this week would bring, what we would create together.
As we settled in, our guide Alyssa asked us to reflect on our current relationship to expression, where we were at personally coming into this retreat. The woman sitting next to me shared that she was in the midst of an extremely difficult situation involving sexual abuse. The waves of pain broke as she spoke. We leaned in, held her with our loving attention, with soft nods and tears of empathy that streamed down some of our cheeks. Nearly all of us could relate to an aspect of her story.
I put my hand on her shoulder, let tears of my own story go. She tried to apologize for breaking down, for causing some of us to cry. I thanked her; by sharing so vulnerably, she helped me also grieve, let go of some pain I’d been holding.
We hugged, we took a break, brought sage and sweetgrass back to the circle to carry away some of the heavy emotions. And not long after, we came out from the cabana and danced under the clearing sky. We tried to forget our thoughts and remember our bodies.
We formed a circle and Alyssa welcomed each of us to take a turn in the center. To let ourselves be seen by the group in whatever we wanted to express, release. Eyes closed in shyness, I danced into the circle, taking slow steps to the beat. When I opened my eyes, I found the woman I’d sat next to was also in the circle. We’d both entered with our eyes closed, guided to dance together. We bent low to the earth and let something go. We unfurled our hands up towards the sky and felt the sun.
Earlier, as she broke down, I’d seen a reflection of my pain. Here in the circle, seeing her face tuned upwards, solemn and strong, she inspired my strength.
This wasn’t how I was expecting to start the retreat, but it was what I needed. To be held in a space where I could feel the grief that I often try to ignore. To be reminded that most of us carry this — and we’re still 100% badass. We can express ourselves in spite of the shame that has made it so hard.
Alyssa has a way of creating these safe spaces for us to feel it all. To let the shit surface and have the deep pleasure of reconnecting with ourselves. She shows us that there’s so much pleasure and joy to experience in our bodies right now, no matter where we’re at in our journey. She guides us to feel our own power — and what a fucking relief that is.
It’s also a crucial part of liberation.
As Audre Lorde writes in Uses of the Erotic: The Erotic as Power:
“The fear that we cannot grow beyond whatever distortions we may find within ourselves keeps us docile and loyal and obedient, externally defined, and leads us to accept many facets of our oppression as women.”
Being in our power reminds us that, Fuck Yes, we can grow beyond — and in fact we already are. We are not “broken” and we have all we need within us to heal.
I love that Pussy Empowered Dance perpetually points us back to ourselves, encourages us to tap into our intuition and inner knowing, seek our own guidance, ask our bodies what movement feels good and listen to her response. It’s a lot about feeling ourselves.
And I’ve come to realize that my capacity to feel so deeply within myself is my erotic power.
Here’s Lorde again:
“For the erotic is not a question only of what we do; it is a question of how acutely and fully we can feel in the doing.”
That means thawing the numbness caused by repression, fear and shame and embracing the heat. Feeling the shit and the good, juicy stuff.
One of the most powerful symptoms of my un-numbing is feeling more intensely what I actually want. My deepest desires.
I’ve been daring to ask myself:
What do you want? Like, FOR REAL? (What are you afraid to want? What do you think you can’t have? What do you think you might not deserve?)
What do you want to create?
How do you want to live?
Who do you really want to be?
Just the asking opens me up, makes me pay closer attention to how I’m feeling in my day-to-day, helps me start to realign.
As Lorde says, “For once we begin to feel deeply all the aspects of our lives, we begin to demand from ourselves and from our life-pursuits that they feel in accordance with that joy which we know ourselves to be capable of.”
A person awake to their own power, to the joy they are capable, is of course a threat to those who benefit from a docile, fearful majority. And so there are so many systems designed to keep us forgetting.
But we remember.
One afternoon, we gathered in a circle on the shore, tucked under the dancing shade of the palms. Alyssa guided us in getting grounded, feeling the warm sand beneath us, tuning into the crashing waves, the bird calls — orienting ourselves in our bodies, in the present moment. She led us on a journey to connect with our highest self, to have a little chat with what I think of as an eternal part of us who’s connected to something greater.
This time, I saw her as a mermaid, happily exploring the depths among dolphins and turtles and streams of kelp. She came to me at the surface, wet ringlets, clear blue eyes, freckled cheeks. Alyssa prompted us to ask what it felt like to be in her presence. I was struck by how sure this mermaid me was — of herself, of her power and purpose. She had a presence of immense clarity.
Alyssa asked what messages this high self had for us. Mermaid me told me to go where I can be free of the bullshit, where I can reorient to the truth of who I am, what I’m capable of and what I desire. She reminded me that she is always there, within.
This visualization was so powerful because it allowed me to feel the destination (or at least one possible destination at this particular moment in time), to embody a future me I yearn for (that’s actually also a present me). And having this felt memory, this impression in my body, I can try to call back the feeling in those harder moments.
I can also watch the music video we made together on the last day of the retreat.
In her work, Alyssa’s intention is to collectively make, “Art that makes you feel alive as you create it and inspires you every time you re-watch it to remember that you are that bitch.”
For real. I have watched and re-watched, remembering how I felt in the moment. I can see the pure joy in my face, my loving connection with the women dancing next to me, what I look like when I’m expressing myself from a liberated place.
Get your ass on the floor
Put your feel on the shore
Turn your face towards the sky
Stay rooted in your why
Soak your pussy in sun
Let yourself have more fun
Gift yourself time alone
Sit your ass on your throne.
The video is so magical because it’s the culmination of so many powerful moments throughout the week. What we captured wouldn’t have existed without the deep connections we’d forged with ourselves, our sensuality — and also to the sea, the sand, the palms, each other.
I especially love the shot of us dancing in a circle, each taking a turn in the middle like we’d practiced so many times. We glow in our self-love, our sexiness spills over, we are playful, joyous, sure. We are our highest selves.
Way back when Alyssa announced the retreat, she talked about tapping into a space of spirit, being grounded in our deepest intentions, of reclaiming our bodies — and creating art from that place.
“We are going to live our expressed fantasies — not acting as if we are goddesses emerging from the sea, but actually being them.”
Time to make my own path
Nice girls they finish last (not me)
Ready to break the rules
Imma do what I do
Not gonna waste my time
Living another life
I’m gonna fight for mine
Fuck, it I’m in my prime